the pieces of shit become involved in my life and police me as a society.

Update

the cctv treatment:
was actually the norm between 2001-2007 (I find it helpful to think about time). I would do or say something in semi-privacy/relative privacy/total privacy, and the next day large masses of the population would react to it, get angry at me for something I did or said in privacy etc. this kept going without any sort of self-criticism until 2007 (which was the first time I had ever willingly made public any detail about myself), at which point things started to get a little bit more sophisticated.

other things:
there was the one thing the one day and I didn't give it any significance. something happened on the street or whatever. again, in aspects concerning me, you seem to know what I'm doing inside my house, knock at the door accordingly, do things on the street accordingly etc.
then the next day unrelatedly suddenly 14th division thinks I witnessed something in an area I hadn't even been to around that time, and I had never had this incident occur. I'm not frightened, and I'm not going to use any derogatory terms, I just wish you would get more organized so one doesn't get the wrong impression.

regarding things I am being accused of:
no one has accused me of anything. I can't reference too many things myself whenever I want to make some case, but it would be quite easy for you to get yourselves in multiples and make some accusation, and then you don't have to worry about sounding crazy, and one would be able to also respond to it. you don't seem interested in doing that.

things I'm doing:
quite busy actually, mostly doing things that don't have much of a social aspect, so not much to talk about. don't know how I would measure up in most (in person) conversations, but can do that if there's a point.

I spend much time, more than I'd like to, reading things on the internet, and it's sure difficult to ever get a word in. I wish I could just go and personalize my things to the same guy that everyone else is personalizing their things to, and then it would be pretty easy.
it's not all bad though. I can write a bit more freely now and don't have to worry about proving any knowledge to anyone. You're obviously watching my internet activities very closely and you know what I look up. It's an unfortunate thing because looking for knowledge becomes synonymous with communication on a large scale, and I can feel it's crappy or I can try to find it amusing.
The problem is that I don't see your side of it. I used to get so angry whenever picking up my local newspaper and have all this stuff personalized to me (not to mention more major media). But what about you? You pick up your newspaper and all these things are just personalized to this fucking guy. It must bother you like hell. If I was you I'd just resent this guy like crazy, follow him around, abandon my own life, and when I can't justify my continued involvement in his life anymore just start manufacturing reasons.
You want to call it a society and then not act like one: there's a contradiction there and your existence cannot be justified.

Update

Sorry, I needed some time to recover, as I have been feeling very devastated. I need constant companionship you see, and don’t know what to do without it.
Much the same types of things, probably worse than usual, although little that there’s a point in talking about. Society is basically a joke and everyone’s in on it. Parents. It sucks.
A clarification: 3 months ago before going to the pharmacy I went to get my passport and then wrote an angry post shortly before arriving at the pharmacy. It was meant for the mob I had encountered in the passport office. There are some that seemed ill-disposed towards me in the pharmacy now, or maybe for other reasons. Man, my blood-pressure is suddenly going through the fucking roof! No, I am not accusing anyone of anything. That’s the whole thing: the body plays games, the body is a part of it.
Other than that, writing, working, many things I don’t make public. Trying to get into writing movie reviews and maybe other things, and see where that goes.
Will keep you updated from time to time.

an update for the reader of my blog

recent:
- Advertisements in physical mail increasingly abusive. Maybe they want me to say the word ‘mail’ on my blog. No individual-based relationships allowed even if you make large efforts. You are perennially your latest blog post no matter what you do, and with very practically significant consequences. Private internet and non-internet activities met with coercive involvement. Many other things. Forgive my general disrespectful manner sometimes.
- I’ve been inspired to get a life. I always find myself around people with lives, while I always have very simple answers about things I’m doing. Sometimes in my lack of a life I find myself needing to be harassed, but damn it there is no one available. That happens. In my plentiful spare time I sometimes think of all these elaborate ways in which people can organize themselves and mess with someone’s life and find ways to do this without any real impediments, and it’s scary because if you think about it there is technically nothing there to stop it from happening, it just wouldn’t happen, because people have lives. I hear much of it.

Anyways, these are things I’m now doing, and enjoy doing:
- Working on art
- Working on music
- Reading books
- Reading things online when I have time
- Trying to make money online
- Looking around for art-book publishers (e-mail if you have specific offers)
- Housework
- Garden work (planning to grow food)
- Planning more walks
- Physically exercising
- Talking to people when I have to

I should find someone that hasn't written anything on facebook for like 2 weeks, and just start fucking stalking them. I would feel weird doing that. I would feel like a loser trying to conquer somebody's back yard, and I'd feel like it's not my place to tell someone that they're not allowed to be alone and what they're allowed to do beyond things that concern me, and then just persist and persist in my demands. As far as using television, advertisements, newspapers, amazon and every other media specifically against someone, honestly, it might give me a sense of power (although this is beginning to seem very isolated), but again, at this point I would feel corrupt or something, although there are times in my life when I do start treating the pieces of shit the way they treat me.

Not unimportant, just hopeless:

-there are things that speak for themselves and sentiments that are self-explanatory. Still, how do you manage complete universality regarding philosophies etc that one is told are quite open to debate?
-given freedom of the press and democracy, how do you get everyone to agree to keep completely quiet about something that’s happening on a pretty large scale? Even if kept at the fringes of things, something is big if kept at the fringes of everything, and it’s a very different type of society than one is told if everyone agrees to be ‘socially intelligent’ about it.
-everything I do (narrowing this down now to things outside of my house), gives every impression of being transmitted very quickly and efficiently to anyone I could possibly deal with. Nothing is ever said about me publicly though that mentions my name. What is your advanced system of universal private-communication?

- will be spending the weekend trying to catch up with some book readings.
- have been reading some things on the internet this week. no, it's good, I insult your intelligence so you insult me. I guess I've done that too.
- next week hopefully I'll manage some day-walks, I just have to keep telling myself: "Shahar, the internet is not going away, but you can go away from the internet and it will still be there when you come back" (chuckle chuckle).
- as always, am gathering my energies for the next time I have something to say and can make a blog-post of it, and hopefully the next will be a fabulous one.

About Me

- I like walking/ solitary activities
- Reading is always piling up, I can spend entire days trying to keep up with things I want to read
- Socializing has never really worked for me for various reasons. If I had some obligation to be social though I always think this should take place by some established means, although I don’t know.
- I like music sometimes, although much of the time it’s background noise. The music I really like I might be embarrassed to admit.
- I like movies very much, and strange tv shows whenever I find them. In a perfect world I would do nothing other than watch movies. As it is, I can’t get through half a movie without feeling like I’m wasting the day.
- I used to do nothing but be out all the time, and I liked it although I took it for granted. Man, I was so angry when this shit began. You go somewhere and the next day it’s on somebody’s website. (no one will tell you that you’re famous or anything like that). Etc. These days you’re quite familiar with it, and you know the type of beings and you know what exists of personal freedom.
- I used to like alcohol etc. These days it doesn’t really make a difference. I can go with or without, and usually go without. I like smoking cigarettes.
- I like having personal space, having random things happen, walking through a metropolitan that’s indifferent to your existence. Things I can’t have, I spend time thinking about, and all enjoyment, if one thinks about it, exists in thought anyways, and besides, who says anything needs to be enjoyable?
- I like nice places, nice nature, nice architecture. I like wind and miserable weather. I like cold better than hot, although extreme of either is good. If you’re drenched in sweat or rain, you worry about it when you get home, but as long as you’re out it’s an adventure. I think, maybe there’s something I’m not thinking about, or not remembering correctly, and something will contradict this statement.
- I’m beginning to dislike the internet quite a bit
- I’d been eating healthy, which I certainly hadn’t done most of my life, and it’s not so bad
- I don’t like public transportation, although I used to, a lot.

You Are Reasonable
Things have been quite a bit more cold and awkward around me today. Last week they had been more aggressive and I guess this week they began approaching the realization that I wasn’t going to do anything to repair my social standing. The service sector is beginning to lash out at me a little more today again. I really don’t have such a problem with people not doing their jobs properly, like I am there to check that they are accurately conforming to the guidelines of their jobs while all they want to do is revolve around me. It gets a little restrictive for me if I feel it getting to the point where cops will show up at my door if I commit a social transgression though. I think cops, for example, should deal with crime and not social transgressions (nothing really happened except a peculiarly timed by-law enforcement, it’s just an opinion that I have). Another thing is that, even after more than a decade of this, it’s almost always my first inclination when encountering a person I’ve never seen before to think of them as a random person, and they never are. For some reason I can never get myself to do otherwise. And then they get these advantages over me in ways they’ve obviously been prepared and waiting to do. Shucks. And many other things, some pretty strange, although these wouldn’t really fit into the current writing. I won’t definitively presume to say there is a collective, and that vast amounts of things are there for nothing other than the sake of absurdity, but sometimes it seems like there actually is and that there are things that happen and things that only seem to happen. At one such time (earlier today), I had written this:

An Appraisal of Collectivism
Almost everything that exists superficially (as a pretext for the things that actually happen), is based on the notion that there are individuals. There would be no pretext by which to justify anything, if one lays claim to a certain level of civilization, without this notion that seems to give almost all things their very meaning. One is badly disposed to the notion of collectivism, and indeed to its practice if one is not able to be a seamless benefactor/beneficiary of the collective.
There are issues of practicability: Why things cannot survive the involvements of collectives, why things can’t have meaning, and what kind of relatedness can one have to, and what can one define in relation to, a rash?
It has come to be written into every muscle that, regardless of the way society is set up, there are to be no appeals to understanding. Likewise, logic quite gets in their way, and so they have become more immune to it and more forthcoming with effective subterfuges. No one will do anything that you can hold them accountable to, and no one will do anything on an individual-basis, and everywhere you turn indeed you encounter nothing but more representatives of one collective.
The collective is a hideous freak, although it manifests itself as large masses for whom compassion can obviously not be felt. If you have a problem with one, the next day you have that problem with 10000, and you don’t need to make it public or anything. If you show affection to one, automatically 10000 act as recipients to that affection and become inextricable from your life. The collective perhaps doesn’t mean to spoil things, it just wants to be a part of things, and can’t help but drag itself in its entirety into them.
But it’s not all bad. There is power in large numbers who are all the same and work together, and debatably also personal strength (although it doesn’t always seem so at those times when they need so very many of each other for the attainment of confidence and action as related to me). A few leaps of logic and they can even be mistaken for being over-civilized. They have strategically scattered themselves into a society where they get to be behind every button, and can more easily become fluent in a master (rather than slave) morality, just as long, of course, as they invoke the notion of ‘we’.
Is there indeed one permanent point of fixation in collective practice? Are there things that couldn’t possibly be collectively organized without a collective?