an update for the reader of my blog

recent:
- Advertisements in physical mail increasingly abusive. Maybe they want me to say the word ‘mail’ on my blog. No individual-based relationships allowed even if you make large efforts. You are perennially your latest blog post no matter what you do, and with very practically significant consequences. Private internet and non-internet activities met with coercive involvement. Many other things. Forgive my general disrespectful manner sometimes.
- I’ve been inspired to get a life. I always find myself around people with lives, while I always have very simple answers about things I’m doing. Sometimes in my lack of a life I find myself needing to be harassed, but damn it there is no one available. That happens. In my plentiful spare time I sometimes think of all these elaborate ways in which people can organize themselves and mess with someone’s life and find ways to do this without any real impediments, and it’s scary because if you think about it there is technically nothing there to stop it from happening, it just wouldn’t happen, because people have lives. I hear much of it.

Anyways, these are things I’m now doing, and enjoy doing:
- Working on art
- Working on music
- Reading books
- Reading things online when I have time
- Trying to make money online
- Looking around for art-book publishers (e-mail if you have specific offers)
- Housework
- Garden work (planning to grow food)
- Planning more walks
- Physically exercising
- Talking to people when I have to

I should find someone that hasn't written anything on facebook for like 2 weeks, and just start fucking stalking them. I would feel weird doing that. I would feel like a loser trying to conquer somebody's back yard, and I'd feel like it's not my place to tell someone that they're not allowed to be alone and what they're allowed to do beyond things that concern me, and then just persist and persist in my demands. As far as using television, advertisements, newspapers, amazon and every other media specifically against someone, honestly, it might give me a sense of power (although this is beginning to seem very isolated), but again, at this point I would feel corrupt or something, although there are times in my life when I do start treating the pieces of shit the way they treat me.

Not unimportant, just hopeless:

-there are things that speak for themselves and sentiments that are self-explanatory. Still, how do you manage complete universality regarding philosophies etc that one is told are quite open to debate?
-given freedom of the press and democracy, how do you get everyone to agree to keep completely quiet about something that’s happening on a pretty large scale? Even if kept at the fringes of things, something is big if kept at the fringes of everything, and it’s a very different type of society than one is told if everyone agrees to be ‘socially intelligent’ about it.
-everything I do (narrowing this down now to things outside of my house), gives every impression of being transmitted very quickly and efficiently to anyone I could possibly deal with. Nothing is ever said about me publicly though that mentions my name. What is your advanced system of universal private-communication?

- will be spending the weekend trying to catch up with some book readings.
- have been reading some things on the internet this week. no, it's good, I insult your intelligence so you insult me. I guess I've done that too.
- next week hopefully I'll manage some day-walks, I just have to keep telling myself: "Shahar, the internet is not going away, but you can go away from the internet and it will still be there when you come back" (chuckle chuckle).
- as always, am gathering my energies for the next time I have something to say and can make a blog-post of it, and hopefully the next will be a fabulous one.

About Me

- I like walking/ solitary activities
- Reading is always piling up, I can spend entire days trying to keep up with things I want to read
- Socializing has never really worked for me for various reasons. If I had some obligation to be social though I always think this should take place by some established means, although I don’t know.
- I like music sometimes, although much of the time it’s background noise. The music I really like I might be embarrassed to admit.
- I like movies very much, and strange tv shows whenever I find them. In a perfect world I would do nothing other than watch movies. As it is, I can’t get through half a movie without feeling like I’m wasting the day.
- I used to do nothing but be out all the time, and I liked it although I took it for granted. Man, I was so angry when this shit began. You go somewhere and the next day it’s on somebody’s website. (no one will tell you that you’re famous or anything like that). Etc. These days you’re quite familiar with it, and you know the type of beings and you know what exists of personal freedom.
- I used to like alcohol etc. These days it doesn’t really make a difference. I can go with or without, and usually go without. I like smoking cigarettes.
- I like having personal space, having random things happen, walking through a metropolitan that’s indifferent to your existence. Things I can’t have, I spend time thinking about, and all enjoyment, if one thinks about it, exists in thought anyways, and besides, who says anything needs to be enjoyable?
- I like nice places, nice nature, nice architecture. I like wind and miserable weather. I like cold better than hot, although extreme of either is good. If you’re drenched in sweat or rain, you worry about it when you get home, but as long as you’re out it’s an adventure. I think, maybe there’s something I’m not thinking about, or not remembering correctly, and something will contradict this statement.
- I’m beginning to dislike the internet quite a bit
- I’d been eating healthy, which I certainly hadn’t done most of my life, and it’s not so bad
- I don’t like public transportation, although I used to, a lot.

You Are Reasonable
Things have been quite a bit more cold and awkward around me today. Last week they had been more aggressive and I guess this week they began approaching the realization that I wasn’t going to do anything to repair my social standing. The service sector is beginning to lash out at me a little more today again. I really don’t have such a problem with people not doing their jobs properly, like I am there to check that they are accurately conforming to the guidelines of their jobs while all they want to do is revolve around me. It gets a little restrictive for me if I feel it getting to the point where cops will show up at my door if I commit a social transgression though. I think cops, for example, should deal with crime and not social transgressions (nothing really happened except a peculiarly timed by-law enforcement, it’s just an opinion that I have). Another thing is that, even after more than a decade of this, it’s almost always my first inclination when encountering a person I’ve never seen before to think of them as a random person, and they never are. For some reason I can never get myself to do otherwise. And then they get these advantages over me in ways they’ve obviously been prepared and waiting to do. Shucks. And many other things, some pretty strange, although these wouldn’t really fit into the current writing. I won’t definitively presume to say there is a collective, and that vast amounts of things are there for nothing other than the sake of absurdity, but sometimes it seems like there actually is and that there are things that happen and things that only seem to happen. At one such time (earlier today), I had written this:

An Appraisal of Collectivism
Almost everything that exists superficially (as a pretext for the things that actually happen), is based on the notion that there are individuals. There would be no pretext by which to justify anything, if one lays claim to a certain level of civilization, without this notion that seems to give almost all things their very meaning. One is badly disposed to the notion of collectivism, and indeed to its practice if one is not able to be a seamless benefactor/beneficiary of the collective.
There are issues of practicability: Why things cannot survive the involvements of collectives, why things can’t have meaning, and what kind of relatedness can one have to, and what can one define in relation to, a rash?
It has come to be written into every muscle that, regardless of the way society is set up, there are to be no appeals to understanding. Likewise, logic quite gets in their way, and so they have become more immune to it and more forthcoming with effective subterfuges. No one will do anything that you can hold them accountable to, and no one will do anything on an individual-basis, and everywhere you turn indeed you encounter nothing but more representatives of one collective.
The collective is a hideous freak, although it manifests itself as large masses for whom compassion can obviously not be felt. If you have a problem with one, the next day you have that problem with 10000, and you don’t need to make it public or anything. If you show affection to one, automatically 10000 act as recipients to that affection and become inextricable from your life. The collective perhaps doesn’t mean to spoil things, it just wants to be a part of things, and can’t help but drag itself in its entirety into them.
But it’s not all bad. There is power in large numbers who are all the same and work together, and debatably also personal strength (although it doesn’t always seem so at those times when they need so very many of each other for the attainment of confidence and action as related to me). A few leaps of logic and they can even be mistaken for being over-civilized. They have strategically scattered themselves into a society where they get to be behind every button, and can more easily become fluent in a master (rather than slave) morality, just as long, of course, as they invoke the notion of ‘we’.
Is there indeed one permanent point of fixation in collective practice? Are there things that couldn’t possibly be collectively organized without a collective?

it's good to read various things on the internet whenever I do. the pieces of shit are all the same though everywhere I go. moreover, it seems that I'm famous without being famous.

Something Unusual?

When starting to write things on the internet that you can’t even begin to bring up in conversation, it wasn’t my intention to start responding to every single thing that’s personalized to me, as that would be too many things. And I rightly suspected that the Minitrue-type denial of every single thing happening around me would permeate the internet as well, and in ways inconsistent to its own premises. Many of these things, of course, are not even remotely in the context of ‘human-games’, and that the entire population would play by these same rules, and that my entire life would be subjected alternately to the rules of this insane herd and then to the rules of the Minitrue reality, and that they can get massive corporations and major news media to do these same things, all still seem strange even to this day.
Obviously it’s an uncomfortable position to be the only one that acknowledges certain things. And there isn’t much point in going into too many specifics to appease your ‘misunderstandings’, or in falling into the trap of analyzing the prevailing insanity, and if you can’t see certain things for yourself I don’t know what to say.

On a Lighter Note, Some Positive Things About the Internet

It has been decided that I’m not allowed to use the internet. I’m referring to many things from many directions. When it’s time for a collective voice to proclaim something, memory is the first thing to go. It is forbidden, because it is what I’m doing. During the 10-11 years that I’ve been treated like I’m famous, coming to think of it, face-to-face interaction was the very first thing to become forbidden, as it was what I was most interested in, and this kept happening every time I had been interested in it since. Working outside of the house for an employer in a job that requires lots of interaction had become forbidden many times, every single time I had worked in such a job, and it was made understood that the only acceptable thing for me in this type of society would be to be self-employed (what I’m doing now). And many other things. Instead of the many of you telling me what I should do, maybe you can be just a little helpful in anything I choose to do. It appears my existence is entirely unofficial, and that no one even wants to see me in person unless it’s to harass me.
Much of the time I value being alone, and there are many advantages to being alone, such as being able to be more motivated in things you do, physical, intellectual, artistic, rather than being with you, being teamed up against, and wanting to die. I wish there was a meaningful alternative though for those times when I don’t feel like being alone, but there doesn’t seem to be. And indeed, when you’re at home, the internet is there, and you don’t need anyone’s approval, and there are many positive things about the internet, such as a large amount of information on almost anything, and also the ability to write on the internet, at times when I wish to do so.
Obviously the internet often becomes completely unusable though, and I avoid it altogether for prolonged periods.

The Life That Is and Simultaneously Isn’t

We live in the age of enlightenment, or whatever. We’ve emerged from our dark ways and embrace logic. Even if we say we don’t embrace logic, we still do, or is any of this even true? It seems that if there is one thing I am forbidden from doing it’s reasoning, and there seems to be an organized although irrational mob ensuring that. The minute I write anything with any merit or that’s saying anything true, very systematically all these pieces of shit from many directions become coercively involved in my life so as to convey that this is not permitted. At this point it has become forbidden altogether to say anything true or address anything that’s actually happening in my life at all.
But there’s a reason for this. They are more spiteful now than they are irrational. Their spitefulness has surpassed their irrationality. I’ll leave open to debate this thing it appears I was being accused of, and maybe someone would like to make something explicit and a process of dialectic can take place (*footnote), rather than all this synchronized teamwork. As dialectic routinely gets skipped, automatically it’s the phase when the collective has it in for you, which means that everything everywhere is completely closed now. Am I famous? We can skip that too. And if any aspect of your private/public relations was individual-based before, this is abandoned when the collective turns against you. And what would it sound like if one attempted to speak to a closed collective nothing that polices your life and ensures that everything needs to always be dead?
Sometimes it gets to a point where it’s no longer possible to be at one with it, obviously, and it’s time to redefine what I am and am not allowed to do.

(*footnote) This is a cached copy of something I started writing about this: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:BuPgtXCbzFIJ:fascistprisonsociety.blogspot.com/+fascistprisonsociety&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca . It’s not well written and it’s not well worded and it doesn’t even reflect the way I would want to word it, and major things are summed up in two sentences, but it can be a start, and I started it.

Some Thoughts On 1984 Society

Often or almost always they give the impression that they are playing and that there is a universally understood game with universally understood rules (some of which have to be learned because they are not obvious at all). I’ve mentioned this often and the clue to something not so usual taking place is in context, perspective, etc, if one even begins going down the road of reasoning. Sometimes for whiles you get into the habit of corresponding in the ways they’ll correspond with you, which is not so difficult to do in its season as it’s the most obvious thing taking place, and everyone facilitates it, and like a film it seems fluent and continuous and you don’t perceive that it’s constructed of a rapid series of discontinuous images, and not perceiving this allows the film itself to make sense. If you shrink down your mind to nothing other than the plot of the film in its own context, it can seem like things actually take place, and everyone knows it as they constantly indicate.
Speaking with any member of the collective in outright and direct ways always reveals their vacuity. They are not playing around, they are just these functions. If they seem to be saying something, you’d better get a written document verifying this, because for all practical purposes it had never taken place. Nothing that happens ever happens, and everything they insist and insist on interferes with their own state of denial regarding these things and then it’s a less than enjoyable experience to be consistent with anything that happens while in their presence. And, as I’d already mentioned, they become coercively involved in completely private activities and even in my thoughts, in ways that, while sure being mean, also require them to become coercively involved in completely private activities and in my thoughts. They’re a disease.

it seems that everywhere I go I encounter masses of these beings that police me as a society and that know me everywhere.

On Reclusiveness

There is a certain mentality that can only comprehend any desire to be alone as a hostility against the group. Nothing can have any value unless it is ‘proven’ to them, until next time they forget. I don’t begrudge anyone their successes, and part of me admires their great benevolence in being a little more than bothered with me, although another part of me finds it a little difficult to believe that everyone could so readily fall in line while preserving their autonomy. Anyways, with all the set-ups, large numbers falsifying in unison things to their advantage, having to get accused of anything that’s done to me, and angry partisan masses, I often find I can accomplish incomparably more when I am by myself. Whether you understand this or not: you don’t understand much of anything. Rarely do I encounter a single person who is not far smarter than I am in many ways, and yet in other very significant ways you’re completely retarded and are a hopeless conglomerated unity that cannot be rationalized with, whatever your cultural or any other significance is supposed to be.

Why Thought Policing Is Such A Darn Tricky Policing

The prison-system, as it is acknowledged to be, while having every physical means, is primarily concerned with the destruction of the mind, while in present context having limited means for this. At most they can watch you 24 hours a day, and torture, intimidate, whatever. In the novel 1984 we are introduced, fictionally, to the concept of thought-policing, and why not keep this writing fictional and hypothetical, as it is nicer that way. I haven’t read the novel for a number of years, but from what I recall it wasn’t clear if they had thought-reading technology or if they just knew your thoughts somehow. At this point I am no longer referencing the novel and am beginning to make things up: Let’s say there was something that knew your thoughts or gave that impression. It could give every impression that it understands your every thought perfectly, as you understand your thoughts, every unarticulated and fleeting nuance, wearing your thoughts as it were. And it could cause any physical sensation in any area of your body. Then- what else? It will enslave you and become coercively involved in your thoughts and your activities. Then- well this is just too wildly fictional now, there’s a human element as well, but I can’t decide if it should be a thought-policing elite that manipulates everyone against you, or if everyone is dormantly the thought-police and will serve as such when needed. I’ll stop there and let you wonder what the final explanation would be. Oh, and then they’d also subject you to all kinds of moronic standards. I’ll call it ‘Hell’.

07.11.2011.

It’s as far as freedom goes. If I try to do things in my house, my thoughts are constantly policed. If I go out it’s the human-like things that know me everywhere and make it their business to tell me what to do all the time, and if I’m not in favour with them, well, I have to write something on the internet, which means it has to be integrated with a bunch of things that are personalized to me. Well, at this point they’ve worked their way into policing my thoughts, and there seems to be a certain networked implication that I am not sufficiently genuine about that. But what I really think about anything, is usually more angry than attempting to be funny, and is not in sync with the public’s demands of how I am supposed to behave right now, and is the type of thing that put me very out of favour with the pieces of shit in the first place. On the other hand, it’s all pretty hopeless and nothing really makes any difference.

Why I Have A Problem With Having My Thoughts Policed:
-if your thoughts are known to others, you have lost before having a chance to try
-you can have no advantages, no secrets, and no hope
-the way things get killed when the coercion-beings become involved, your mind will get killed as well
-you can’t do anything, all life must end, and there is no hope of anything

My Answer To Those That Are Telling Me That Making Art Is No Good And That I Should Get A Job More Similar To Theirs:
There was that show Intervention where a bunch of assholes are sitting around telling the one person they’ll collectively stop being their friends unless they succumb to their unanimous will, and the one person sort of has to take it because they’re wrong. It’s a funny variation because in my case I have to be force-fed things and have addictions that will not leave afterwards forced on me, and yet I have to constantly swallow my pride as if I’m wrong because there’s one of me. In practice they’ll try to force one thing, although as a cover they’ll use something else ‘they want you to do, and really have every intention of allowing you to do.’
This is a link to my artworks: http://shahargold.com/linksother.html.
I’ve made thousands of them and am in the process of making more. You’ve been collectively shunning them. In a free market economy I have the choice to be self-employed, I have the choice to make art, and as I can’t force anyone to buy it all I can really do is make it available.

But maybe it’s something stupid that has altered my feeling into another feeling, which much of the public automatically assumes, and no matter how many times they are proven to be wrong, they automatically do the same again and again.

oh, and my status has gone down. I forgot to check it for a while. Like any musician will ever actually admit knowing me. I don't get very attached to glory and know that it always just ends with a bunch of pieces of shit that are convinced you should not be entitled to privacy and that nothing done in solitude can have any value, and of course the status obligates them to follow certain protocols with you, and, well, abusing your senses sort of speaks for itself and makes its own point. and it does have an effect, like stabbing a knife through your skull has an effect, and you can be cool with it or not cool with it, but that's the way it is.
and for the facebook episode, actually, something happened in april that had been gradually despiriting me and by the time I even joined facebook there wasn't much left. I don't like facebook anyways though, and can't become attuned with it.

now PowerStream went and ripped the chords out of my physical house so there's no electricity, and so I'm in my parents' house for a while. It's not a big deal, I just find it funny that things with a figurative value happen physically and as if on queue.

I still don't understand why the public is needed though. they become very involved in my life, but they never actually admit knowing me. I can't force anyone to do anything or to listen to anything, but I think it's peculiar for such a thing to happen on such a large scale.

Things in the news are personalized to me, and advertisements become involved in things I do, not in the ways that others talk about like when they research you and advertise to you based on this, but they become involved based on a much higher level of understanding of everything I am doing than that. And then the people just do the same things. Then if I talk to them they’ll pressure me to conform to the society that they verbally say it is and corroborate each other. Then anything I try to do is shunned, and I’m thinking how slim a chance there is that anyone will actually ever buy my art, when they have these protocols. It’s really quite mysterious that things should keep working themselves out in certain ways.

How do you get everyone on the internet to agree not to write anything about a musician for example except at times and of a substance which accords to a single will? But wait, these must be golden times, as they’ve become inspired to collectively will with a single will. They actually have a long-proven tendency to do this though.

It’s funny because I’ve mentioned so many times how no one in the public ever actually admits knowing me, and then I go outside or even slightly expose myself to the public and there they are policing my life and using their relationships with me to tell me what to do or increasing harassments. There wasn’t a unanimous agreement about what I should and should not be allowed to do, and some seemed to think that my present course is acceptable while others felt quite strongly that I need the involvement of the pieces of shit in my life now. It is after all a democracy.

Some in the public harass me more, like when I walk on the street for example. Whatever it is they may be trying to say, they just translate it into harassment. What else, harassing letters from Amazon, psychological torture by Google News. What am I going to do, tell about it to you?

Can’t make crappy world sound good

So yes, I can’t log into a website without being severely harassed. This shit just keeps going and furthermore everywhere I turn there are very many things that are directed at me. Everyone seems to not notice, or rather fight to change the subject by trying to overwhelm me by the fact of their very large numbers acting in uniformity, or their disses that don’t seem to desire any response from me but only to be ‘gotten in’. And while everything that happens in my life is very consistently extremely shitty, I have to make sure that I don’t appear to be trying to arouse anyone’s sympathy, or else it will be very unpleasant next time I have to encounter a humanoid, as this has become forbidden by the collective intelligence (when I’m only stating the facts of my life).
And whenever anything very obvious presents itself to me it has to always be accompanied by some sort of harassment, so as to be more overwhelming than the obvious thing. And everything is of course done in the name of something else, and I guess some of the contrasts between what something is and what it calls itself are funnier than others. And they get more sophisticated over time and yet I still feel, not unfoundedly I think although not always in complete fairness to everyone, that if I make any judgment about them to their face that is too complex, I will immediately regret it. And when speaking with them I can’t really bring up anything that’s happening in my life, and even when some of them very insistently take part in these things, they’ll never actually acknowledge any of them. And no matter what happens and how obvious, they’ll then just speak, often very eloquently, of some other world that’s not this one, and that indeed sounds so much nicer than this crap of a world where all randomness has been eliminated, everyone knows you everywhere and you can’t really do anything, and everyone works to serve the hive-mind while enhancing their sophistication so as to allow them to keep going after the same things and to overlook the same things.

I’ve read over everything I wrote recently. It’s all there. It always makes me feel like I owe further explanations when immediately afterwards, in encounters, there are those that have vehemently ‘not been convinced’. But they can’t be convinced. They’re biased and insane and constantly go to ridiculous lengths to justify treating me in the ways they are pre-inclined to. They’ll overlook anything, make up anything, play any strategic role, and then don’t understand anything. Would one believe there are still those whose logic is ‘the more of us there are, the more justice is ensured!’ And if a great number of them vouches for the truth of something – then it must definitely be true! So hopeless.

there seems to be an insistence that big computer companies become playfully involved in anything I try to do, and jokingly flex their muscles, in ways that are real, but are done jokingly.

And whenever questioning the world or doing anything other than accepting and playing along to things that don’t make rational sense, I have to suffer punishments by various next time I go anywhere in society. And in other instances, again in society, everywhere I go I of course always encounter those that are eager to inflict retributions on me for all kinds of details of my life, and that seem to get a particular joy in that they never actually admit to anything and can switch contexts and subject me in all seriousness to any set of standards they please even in situations where one would expect something different. Try invoking reason though at these points in time when the will to overlook has already overwhelmingly triumphed.